T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
