Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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