I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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