Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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