my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
