Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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