i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
