Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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