9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
