I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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