i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
