he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
