I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
