sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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