I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
