Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
