she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
