i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
