bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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