I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
