He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
