We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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