Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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