Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just invented taco cereal.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
