I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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