He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
