see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Randomize
