cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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