Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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