you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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