It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
