Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
