my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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