Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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