So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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