Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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