My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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