my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
