I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
