I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
