Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
