When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
