when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
