I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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