i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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