She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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