i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
