I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
