Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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