your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
