Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
