I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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